After weeks of mind-numbing boredom at home, I’m now back to ceaseless days of mind-numbing boredom at work. But amidst all the deadlines, procrastination, and soul-crushing subjugation of one’s self-worth for a monthly wage, nothing ushers you back into the real world quite like a good ol’ pre-weekend night out.
So what do I got lined up? You got that right, GET SMART at Tri Noma!
Before you start calling me “loser”, this happens to be a quantum leap from my past Fridays spent sleeping before 9 PM because my liver was out of whack. The last movie I saw in a theater was Iron Man, and that was two months ago. Okay, you can call me whatever you want now.
This past Friday, I needed redemption. And so after finishing all of my work by 6:15, off to Tri Noma I went. There I was – young, single, possessing considerable purchasing power, and going to the mall alone on a Friday night to watch a movie that has been out for more than two weeks now. I am so the Anti-Tim Yap. That’s not even a self-compliment.
Anyway, here’s an account of my so-called “Friday night”:
1835 hours
Parking at Tri Noma should be its own reality show. Attention ABS-CBN and GMA. Any idiot stands a better chance of surviving in an exotic island than finding a space in this God-awful carpark.
1838 hours
Yes! Alex prevails once again! The old tail-any-dude-walking-with-a-shopping-bag strategy never fails. Suck on that, infinitely more expensive car who’s pretending not to steal my space even as I’m backing up with my hazards on!
Again, attention to ABS-CBN and GMA: you could’ve awarded me a million pesos right now.
1842 hours
Just passed by a Starbucks, one of around 15 branches in Tri Noma. There’s a group of guys, each of them hunched to their tiny PSPs while their coffee sat quietly on the table in front of them. Remember how horrible things were back when teenagers were forced to hang out in a buddy’s house to play PS2 games on a widescreen TV while sitting on comfortable couches? I’m glad modern technology finally solved that problem.
1843 hours
Holy crap, all the lines to the ticket counter are so long that the hair at the back of my neck just stood up to fall in line. More than half of these people are obviously here for either Hancock, Wanted, or The Hulk. Hurry! I have to make a quick popcorn run before my so-dated movie starts.
I’m not one of those longtime popcorn-movie combo people. I caught on to this tradition as recently as a couple of years ago, mainly because it’s actually a fun old-fashioned thing to do. Actually, it could very well be the last fun old-fashioned thing left in this world.
If eating popcorn while watching a Steve Carell movie inside a theater is the only tangible thing I can do to preserve whatever is left of our humanity, then let packets of butter lodge down my blood vessels for the next two hours.
1848 hours
I have moved exactly one inch since I got here. I can only imagine the breathtaking conversation taking place at the front of the line:
GUY: Let’s take these seats.
GIRL: Huwag na diyan, it’s too far.
GUY: They have a huge giant screen.
GIRL: Kaya nga, it’s more fun if we sit closer.
GUY: O sige, you choose.
GIRL: No, you choose.
GUY: No, you choose.
GIRL: No, you…
GUY: Alright…one of us calls it, on the count of three, okay?
GIRL: Okay.
GUY: On three. One…two…three!
Silence. Ticket-counter girl stares at them, glassy-eyed.
GIRL: Weeehhh…You didn’t pick one!
GUY: You didn’t pick one, din.
Annoying laughter. 30 people simultaneously fantasize beating them to death.
1908 hours
Finally. I got my ticket, I got my popcorn and soda, and I’m ready to go…to the bathroom.
1909 hours
I love how the comfort rooms in Tri Noma have all the answers to our decades-long problems with mall peeing. Not enough toilets? Well, knock yourself out! Where should I put my stuff while I go pee? Little shelf-like thingies! Can’t see if your hair’s okay because there are three fat guys in front of the mirror? Mirrors on every conceivable side!
Rating: 5 out of 5 urinal cakes
1932 hours
This is great. I have the entire row to myself. I just loooove half-empty theaters. It’s easier to pretend like your Howard Hughes this way.
1935 hours
Hey, it’s Champ Kind from Anchorman and the dude who sang that Vanessa Carlton song in White Chicks! We’re off to an auspicious start.
1938 hours
It’s nice to see Masi Oka break away from his Japanese-stereotype role from Heroes to take on a geek-stereotype role in this movie. Thank God for ultra-liberal Hollywood.
1946 hours
You’ve got to hand it to Anne Hathaway. Between this movie and The Devil Wears Prada, she has done a masterful job of making people forget about that quasi-softcore porn scene from Havoc. We can now legitimately take her seriously…(boy, that b-movie actor who got to be in bed with her, he could die this very minute and claim to have lived a full life…as far as unexpected nude scenes go, that would probably end up in the top 5 all time list…it will definitely remain burned in the consciousness of every living male in the planet for years to come)…sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah. That Anne Hathaway, hell of an actress.
1953 hours
Wait a minute. There isn’t one particle of salt in this damn popcorn. I might as well have been ingesting styrofoam chunks for the past half hour. So much for saving humanity.
1957 hours
To whoever wrote this movie: Didn’t you see Alan Arkin in So I Married an Axe Murderer? This dude played this exact same role before, only funnier. Can’t you at least give him something to work on here? It’s like having Reggie Miller on your team and not giving him the ball when he’s wide open from three.
2000 hours
Don’t you hate it when you have to pee and you’re not even halfway through the movie yet? I knew I should’ve gone with regular-sized Pepsi instead. Tri Noma cinemas don’t have bathrooms inside their theaters, by the way. Can I still rescind that 5-urinal cake rating from an hour ago?
2005 hours
The Great Khali in da house! Yet another proof that you could get by in Hollywood solely on looks. Sure, there’s definitely no wrestler alive that’s bigger and scarier than he is. However, JBL is undeniably the single greatest WWE actor of his generation, but when was the last time you saw him in a movie? JBL is the Jennifer Jason Leigh to The Great Khali’s Charlize Theron.
2012 hours
A little disappointed so far, but not in the way I expected. Comedies end up being disappointing when the jokes turn out to be lame, especially with big budget ones that try too hard. But this one doesn’t even seem to be trying.
2021 hours
Aaaaah…the old dude-tries-to-wrestle-guy-but-ends-up-looking-like-he’s-humping-him gag. Works every time.
2029 hours
Tough crowd today. The Great Khali just uttered the line: “Her sister’s a real bitch”, and not one chuckle from these people.
2033 hours
Poor Peter Segal. He has the unenviable task of selling this Anne Hathaway-Steve Carell romance angle. Judy Ann Santos had an easier time trying to sell “systems loss”.
When the poster for this movie came out, it really seemed to me like the two had chemistry, even if I was just looking at a couple of still pictures. Then a friend of mine explained that it was probably because they kinda looked alike. “Mukha nga silang mag-ama, eh”, she remarked. It was all doomed from that point on.
The last time I felt this queasy with an on-screen couple was with Jeff Daniels and Anna Paquin in The Squid and the Whale. I absolutely love that movie, but god dammit, it completely ruined Fly Away Home for the rest of my life.
2044 hours
Champ Kind from Anchorman hasn’t had his moment yet. This movie could go down as the greatest waste of collective talent since the 2000 Portland Trail Blazers and Shark Tale.
2051 hours
The Rock vs. Steve Carell. This reminds me of one of those predictable WWF mismatches from the 80s when a superstar would be pitted against some nobody like Barry Horowitz (bonus points for anyone who actually remembers this guy).
2054 hours
Stevie kisses The Rock to win the match! How in the world did Vince McMahon not come up with this first?
2059 hours
Okay. Anne just made out with her dad. I gotta go pee.
2102 hours
Nice sneaky way to use "Ode to Joy" as background music for the climax. I honestly believe that Peter Segal never made up his mind whether to do a comedy or an earnest action flick with this one. But at least this isn’t as awkward and uneven as The Longest Yard, so I guess he’s improving.
2113 hours
The end credits just informed us that Mel Brooks served as a consultant for this movie. If he were actually still alive, this movie could’ve been at least three times funnier. Oh well. Just a fitting ending to this half-assed Friday night-out.
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