The Profound Shallowness of Anne Curtis

Almost everyone who knows me on a mid-level knows that I am a huge Anne Curtis fan. Now, this is true. I am not going to deny that I have a slightly above-normal fixation towards Anne Curtis and have, in fact, been very vocal about it.

Yet, this is equally true: I have not seen any of her movies. Not one. I haven't seen a single episode of "Dyosa", "Green Rose", or any of her Telenovelas. I know that the movie "No Other Woman" has apparently resonated so powerfully with Filipino audiences that it has become some sort of national phenomenon (which makes you wonder how rampant cheating actually is in this country) and that it's still playing in theaters, yet I am not compelled to watch it even if you offered me free passes.

So I am aware that this begs an obvious question: if I am such a huge Anne Curtis fan, then what am I exactly a fan of? Well, I'm glad you asked, hypothetical-and-possibly-non-existent-reader.

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If you really think about the current state of the Philippine Entertainment Industry, the idea of someone falling in love with an "actress" without seeing her actual "acting" won't seem that strange at all. The truth is Anne Curtis was already insanely famous even before "No Other Woman", during a period where she had zero hit TV shows, zero blockbuster movies, and zero hit albums. This, more than anything else, demonstrates just how irrelevant movies and TV dramas have become in this country. Anne Curtis transformed into an uber-celebrity not through an iconic role or era-defining movie, but through three platforms that have grown more relevant over the years: variety shows, magazine covers, and advertising.

It seems like the shallowest form of celebrity, doesn't it? Except it isn't. Unlike movie stars of the past whose images have been inevitably linked to the roles they portrayed - characters that had absolutely nothing to do with them (such as Erap's underdog hero or Nora Aunor's virtuous martyr) - Anne Curtis' image has been less filtered, has had more freedom, and therefore appears more real. Because Anne Curtis isn't a movie star, the "Anne Curtis" portrayed in magazine features, TV commercials, and billboards has been a creation solely made by Anne Curtis, the cute, elegant, yet goofy and unpretentious girl who hosts "Showtime". And it is this creation that I am totally and completely smitten by.

I can never watch those movies and TV shows that portray Anne Curtis as either ultra-vampy, or ultra-serious, or worse, ultra-slutty. They're just infinitely uninteresting compared to "Anne Curtis" the celebrity. The roles Anne Curtis should be playing are the Manic Pixie Dream Girl types perfected by the likes of Natalie Portman in "Garden State", Kirsten Dunst in "Elizabethtown", and Kate Hudson in "Almost Famous". In fact, Anne Curtis is a real-life Manic Pixie Dream Girl: she's slightly kooky, can look awesome even when dressed-down, and is into indie-rock (she regularly attends indie music festivals like Coachella; I have a suspicion that her foray into music was somehow inspired by her idol Zooey Deschanel's "She and Him" project).

So let this be a challenge to Star Cinema and Viva Films. I dare you to produce a movie that showcases the quintessential Anne Curtis character, which closely resembles, if not exaggerates "Anne Curtis" the persona. Someone who constantly wears thrift-store maternity dresses and sings Vilma Santos songs during a videoke session that she forced the lead character into going with her by shouting "Penis!" (or any Pinoy equivalent, whatever the screenwriter finds to be "cute" enough, as in Zooey-Deschanel-in-500-Days-Of-Summer cute) inside a packed mall and dances in front of the lead character in the middle of the street to stress a point about "following your heart" or some fucked-up shit like that. Whatever. Just watch lots of Cameron Crowe movies, he'll point you in the right direction. Go to work, Star Cinema and Viva writers! You don't even have to pay me anything for this idea. Just seeing Anne Curtis be "herself" on the big screen is all the reward I need.