"Playoffs!!!!!????": His Airness' diary

Hi. I'm Michael Jordan. Yeah, that's right. I had to take over for Alex to put a stop to this blog's overall...how do I put it?...uh, suckiness. That's the word. And nobody can call me a sick maniac and get away with it. Consider this as the blog equivalent of my 50-point game against the Sonics after that fat bum George Karl called me a "jumpshooter". You would've thought people have learned their lesson by now.

Okay, as you all know by now, the Lakers just got their asses handed to them by the Celtics, who are now the champs thanks to a 39-point win. That's right. A Kobe Bryant-led team just got mugged by 39 points. That's the kind of shit that wouldn't happen to me, and not because I'm some "sick maniac" as Alex Nobody claims. The explanation is actually much simpler: I figured out how to be Robert DeNiro.

You see, Kobe's real problem is that he's got too much Joe Pesci in him. He intimidates people, but he intimidates them through fear, and through fear alone. Bobby DeNiro intimidated people through fear AND respect.

At first, I thought Kobe already had it figured out when he wisely chose his bitches on the Lakers: Sasha Vujacic and Jordan Farmar. You always pick on the Croatian, I always say.

Beacuse...oh, wait...Charles Oakley, who's getting a Swedish massage in the other room just hollered that Vujacic is actually from Serbia while Farmar is American. Seriously? Farmar is an American name? Do we even have immigration policies anymore? Chuck Barkley's gotta do something about that when he becomes governor of Arizona. You've got to hand it to Oak, though, he's always been the brain in my posse. Little known fact: he actually writes Jeff Van Gundy's material for his play-by-play gigs for ABC. The dude's scary and funny.

Anyway, Kobe picked the right bitches but he's treating them the Joe Pesci way. And that, as everyone who's seen Goodfellas and Casino knows, is a recipe for disaster. If you need to pull out a gun to make a point, that means you have absolutely no confidence that people respect you. Bobby don't need to pull out no guns. All he gives is the stare, and people knew their proper place in the universe. THEN, they listen.

You remember the scene from Goodfellas when some dudes in Bobby's crew showed up with new cars and new fur coats right after their big heist? All it took was the "Bobby stare" and a concise "What's da matter wit ju?", and the dude was walking out the door to return his wife's fur coat in no time. Didn't have to pull no guns.

That's the exact same thing I did to Cliff Levingston during the '93 Finals. He was falling apart and all I had to do was give him the "Jordan stare" and a concise "Let's stay together", and we ended up winning that series.

That's how it's done, Kobe. You don't have to stomp your feet like a five-year-old and yell at your bitches...er...teammates for the entire game. You do that, and you're just gonna annoy them, Pesci-style. People said that your supporting cast didn't show up in Game 6? Well, that's the basketball equivalent of your posse whacking you with a bunch of baseball bats in the middle of the Nevada desert.

You think Scottie's gonna be Scottie if I just busted his ass and annoyed the living crap out of him? He stepped up big time because he respected me. Same with Grant, Cartwright, B.J., and Kukoc...no...not him...I think I destroyed his career forever.

And what's with all the complaining to the refs? Did you see the kind of shit I had to go through in my day? You think skinny Garnett, slow-ass Perkins, and old-man-river P.J. are tough to drive at? I got killed everytime I drove the lane against Laimbeer, Mahorn, Salley, and Rodman. And that's after I got through Joe Dumars. You're being guarded by Ray Allen, for Christ's sake!

And you know what we did with those Bad Boys? Okay, it took us a couple of years, but we swept them in '91. That's when I got my DeNiro down.

And how about attacking the lane when you had Ewing, Oak, and Mace waiting for you? And that's after I got through John Starks, whose hands and arms were always all over me.

You know what I did to those thugs? I averaged 32 points against them in '93, including a 54-point beat down in game 4, before eliminating their asses and ruining Charles Smith's career for good (if you're scoring at home, that's two destroyed 6-10 guys.)

That's the DeNiro way, Kobe. Stop bitching at the refs and take it out on your opponents.

For God's sake stop watching pussy-ass movies like Sex and the City with your wife. You already gave her a diamond ring, that'll hold up for another five years, minimum. And when you're retired years from now and stuck at home, you'll get sick of her anyway. Believe me.

Watch Goodfellas and Casino instead. Just be sure you're watching the right guy.

Oh yeah, before I forget - shut the fuck up, Alex.

- Michael Jordan

VP for Basketball Operations, Charlotte Bobcats (Really? I still have that job? Wow.)