"Playoffs!!!!!????": an existential diary (Part 1)

If you're a devout basketball fan, then April, May, and June are your Lenten season. It's the culmination of your faith; it's when your existence as a basketball fan achieves its full definition. Most importantly (especially when my favorite team, the Suns, have long been eliminated), it's a time for indiscriminate ranting. So now, here are some of my thoughts, three games into the conference finals:

- After 12 years in the league, I'm finally actively rooting for Kobe Bryant and his Lakers. Thanks to these despicable Spurs, I'm now no different than your average casual NBA "fan". I just can't stand them. I know they're excellent in the half-court and well-coached and a great defensive team, and stuff, but I'm pretty sure they're evil. Bruce Bowen is Keyser Soze. Ginobilli, as fucking amazing as he is, has taken flopping to the point of gayness. Tony Parker trots around every game with that annoying "I'm-sleeping-with-Eva-Longoria-and-you're-not" smirk. Tim Duncan reacts to every foul call as if he wasn't even in the building when the call was made. They're just un-fucking-believable. I hope they get swept and Kobe averages 55 points in the next two games, with Bruce Bowen and Udoka fouling out before halftime in both games. God, I've never thought I'd be this glad Phil Jackson exists.

- The Pistons are so underrated. The fact is that they have the league's best first five in the last five years, and have consistently been one of the best defensive teams every season. And....wait...what?...they were the first home playoff team to be defeated by the clueless Doc Rivers this year?...and Mr. Bigshot scored a whopping 6 points?...Uhhhmmm, yeah, as I was saying...it's time people give these one-time fluky champions their due.

- We keep hearing and reading about how Garnett folds in the clutch and doesn't take over close games the same way Tim Duncan does. Bill Simmons notes how KG relies too much on his fade away during clutch time, while Duncan knows how to punish defenders inside when it matters. Could everyone just get rid of their torches please? Look, I know you all miss Patrick Ewing and David Robinson and you need another 7-foot whipping boy to make yourselves feel better, but let's keep things in their proper perspective. The fact is, KG was never, EVER, a power post player. To expect him to suddenly turn into Wilt Shaquille O'Barkley during the clutch is insane. His advantage has always been his quickness for his size. Now that he's getting older, and therefore a tad slower, I think it's actually AMAZING that, in this stage of his career, he can still beat people off the dribble or even confuse guys who are no more slower than he is with his patented fade away. And he's doing that while rebounding and passing and defending at the same time. Give him a break.

- A little piece of business advice for KFC. Stop buying every second of CS Sports commercial airtime. Please. It's getting counter-productive. I've always loved KFC. Now I'm nearing the point where I have to avoid every one of their branches just to keep myself from throwing up.